without wax

2010-03-12T17:49:00.001+08:00

just friends

2008-12-09T15:15:00.001+08:00

There she goes again, the girl I'm in love with
It's cool, we're just friends, we walk the halls at school
We know it casual, it's cool, we're just

I don't want to lead you on
No, but the truth is I've grown fond, yeah

Everyone knows it's meant to be
Falling in love, just you and me
Till the end of time, till I'm on her mind, it'll happen

I've been making lots of plans
Like a picket fence and a rose garden
I just keep on dreaming

But it's cool 'cause we're just friends

Small talk on IM, just one word sentences
It's cool, we're just friends
If I had my way, we'd talk and talk all day, yeah

Everyone knows it's meant to be
Falling in love, just you and me
Till the end of time, till I'm on her mind, it'll happen

I've been making lots of plans
Like a picket fence and a rose garden
I just keep on dreaming

But it's cool 'cause we're just friends

Thinking about how, we're gonna say our vows
It's cool we're just friends, she walks down the aisle
Seeing my face smile 'cause now, we're more than friends

Everyone knows it's meant to be
Falling in love, just you and me
Till the end of time, till I'm on your mind, it'll happen

We've been making lots of plans
Like a picket fence and a rose garden
I just keep on dreaming

Just keep on thinking about when we used to be just friends

(La, la, la, la)
(La, la, la, la)
(La, la, la, la, la)
When we used to be, when we used to be

(La, la, la, la)
(La, la, la, la)
Just friends
(La, la, la, la, la)
When we used to be just friends

time

2008-12-03T09:54:00.000+08:00

Fascinated by every grain of sand that falls in an hourglass...I ponder as to how significant each one is... Sometimes it feels as if the sheer quantity of sand in that container is enough to make a grain feel unimportant... I soon realize that every time a grain falls it represents part of the whole and that precious moment can never be taken away... The same picture comes to mind when you stack dominoes standing one in front of the other... if you take a piece out one can never make the whole set fall down... The connectedness of the string of events is crucial to viewing the whole... The part becomes the whole and the whole becomes the part... I say this now because much as people would want to change certain things in their lives... they will soon realize that in an effort to do so will affect everything else in their life... When one wishes to put things in their right places... certainly changes the order of how beautiful things have already been laid out... If this were true... then perhaps one has to merely wait for the right grain of sand to fall... And in that proper time... everything is perfect...

somebody loved

2008-11-03T00:18:00.002+08:00

Somebody Loved - The Weepies
From the OST of Dirty Sexy Money

Rain turns the sand into mud
Wind turns the trees into bone
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

Nights when the heat had gone out
We danced together alone
Cold turned our breath into clouds
We never said what we were dreaming of
But you turned me into somebody loved

Someday when we're old and worn
Like two softened shoes
I will wonder on how I was born
The night I first ran away from you

Now my feet turn the corner back home
Sun turns the evening to rose
Stars turning high up above
You turn me into somebody loved

i feel bad

2008-07-13T00:19:00.000+08:00

I should be out in that driveway
Stoppin' you
Tears should be rollin' down
My cheek
And I don't know why
But I'm not fallin' apart like I usually do
And how the thought of losin' you's
Not killin me

[chorus]
I feel bad
That I can stand here strong,
Cold as stone
Seems so wrong, I can't explain it
Maybe it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb, baby I hate it
I feel bad
That I don't feel bad

I could let myself be angry over
Wasted time
And sad about just throwin' love away
Yeah, I almost wish my heart
Was breaking
But I can't lie
All I want to do is turn the page

[chorus]

Bitter, alone
I just feel it's time - time to
Move on
I just gotta move on and on and
On and on - yeah

Maybe it's just I've cried so much
I'm tired and I'm numb
Oh baby, I hate it
I feel bad

That I don't feel bad

No, I don't feel bad

Uniform

2008-04-05T23:41:00.001+08:00

maestro amore

2007-10-08T15:19:00.001+08:00

Even though leap 33 has ended... Our memories will forever remain in my heart...

second anniversary

2007-08-29T19:45:00.000+08:00

happy 2nd anniversary angelainey!!! may this picture remind us of the good times we have together!!! i love you very much!!!

ps... thanks to birdie for the idea... pictures are courtesy of the picture company at the fort...

true healing

2007-08-10T23:20:00.000+08:00

Medical science has deemed that healing isn’t reserved only in a physical or psychological plane... It actually involves biological, psychological, and social processes... I talk about this now as I recollect what I went through in the first intensive... I was really excited to attend it so much so that I felt like nothing could stop me but alas life got the better of me and decided to challenge my resolve by inflicting me with a certain malaise by making it almost impossible to get out of bed... A part of me wanted to shrug off the spiking fever and the intermittent cough but another part wanted me to trust the natural process and let my body recuperate for the night and thus I wasn’t able to attend the first night of the first intensive...

The next day, I did feel better so much so that I was gearing up to really go to the 2^nd day of the first intensive... I had to go through one obstacle and that was the go signal from my mom... She couldn’t understand why I was so insistent on going while I was still convalescing... Her perception was that I was being stubborn and that I was pushing myself too hard that I’d eventually get sicker... The negativity didn’t help at all, it really made me doubt what I was capable of and so I let it slide past me and eventually I stood my ground and declared that I was going to OCCI...

That decision made all the difference in my road to recovery... As soon as I got there, I was instantly greeted by smiling faces and the positive energy in the room... With every greeting and every smile, I felt myself feel lighter and more confident about my condition... As I went on with the day's activities, I felt it really helped by shifting the focus of my mind instead of the sickness but to the healing process... Instead of sulking around and feeling depressed about my condition, I was getting revved up for the rest of the day and eventually it peaked during the last activity... At a certain point in all the excitement, I didn’t feel sick at all... I was helping people get through with the best of my capabilities... Living in that moment felt like I was unstoppable and that nothing could bring me down... The focus was to get through the activity and succeed 100%... We did just that as we got everyone across by focusing our thoughts in our goal...

That was my experience of true healing... It wasn’t about being sick at all but about the determination to rise above the ailment and overcome the difficulties... It was about believing in myself that I can get through it despite the obstacles and also about having other people believe in me all the way... It was also about acceptance of all the love and care of the people that were there...

Having realized this as I’m on my way to becoming a doctor, has made a real difference in how I view my profession... It certainly isn’t only about the medications and the prescriptions but about the genuine and loving human connection that brings true healing about... I thank LEAP Team 33 for teaching me this valuable lesson during the first intensive and I also say thanks in advance for the many more valuable lessons to come!!!

My Trusting Love Heals!!!

flex

2007-05-14T14:43:00.000+08:00

i just graduated from the FLEX seminar... FLEX stands for Foundations of Leadership EXcellence... i thank haidee hsu from the bottom of my heart for recommending me to go to the seminar... it was a different experience... although i am not at liberty to disclose the specific details in that seminar but i can at least share some of the feelings that i went through during the seminar...

skepticism... this is the first thing that was in my mind... did i really need to go here... will it be worth it... will this really help me... i've been through so many of these... all these things were going through my mind because of my pride... my pride that i am a good enough leader... i am well equipped with the know-how already... i am able to be successful on my own... i do not need any more help... let's just say that sometimes pride can get in the way to true success... it can get in the way of reality... it can make us see illusions of contentment and of strength...

fear... i was afraid of what the other people in the seminar would think of me... i was afraid to share too much at first... i feared that they might judge me for who i really am... i was afraid that they might think of me as someone weak and needed help... i was afraid of the people there because they were all strangers... well let's just say that fear can paralyze us... it can keep us from achieving our goals... it can keep us from what we really want or what we really need...

trust... as the seminar went on... i began to trust the process... trust the people around me... i was able to let them know me... let them help me become a better person... i took in the values that were taught and tried to incorporate it in my system... i immersed myself in the experience and let it guide me... i did not resist it anymore... i just absorbed as much as i could like a sponge slowly squeezed under the water in order to take in as much as it can... it was enriching it was like slowly being filled up with these concepts although probably known to me but never felt so real...

happiness... they were right it's like experiencing a high... so much so that you'd want to go through it again... or experience something bigger than it... you'd want to take in more... to feel more alive and charged with positive energy... it gave me a new perspective in what i do... and as if overflowing the feeling that comes out next is almost predictable...

generosity... being given so much i'd want to share it too... share it with my family and my friends... all that i could talk about after the seminar was the seminar... it felt so good that i want others to feel the same way... true most people would go through the first two feelings first but once you get to the last three... im sure anyone who goes to the seminar will understand why... it will be something unforgettable... even i feel excited for those who will already be taking the seminar next week...

well that was how the seminar felt for me... this is my emotional journey during FLEX maybe these are my sentiments as i just graduated but for me this is as real as it can be... as to how long the effects will last i'm not so sure... but i'm already going to take the next course ALC... Advanced Leadership Class... can't wait to see what the next journey will be like...

scrubs

2007-05-14T14:27:00.001+08:00

mark and i in our scrubs... this is what we were wearing during the med mission...

surgery

2007-05-06T13:48:00.000+08:00

this is my first ever experience to perform a minor surgery... circumcision... before the surgery i was actually diagnosing patients in the medical part of the mission... i was with mark while he was getting the bp of the patients i decided to also check on a few patients as well as prescribe them medicine... it was my first time to write a prescription as well so i guess this is my first introduction to pharma as well... it seemed odd as first because we were now dealing with real people instead of the cases or fictional patients that we get in class... it was also odd that we were sort of flying solo as well because the doctor who was in charge told us that we could handle the cases and if it gets too complicated then we should consult him... to hold such a responsibility over other people could be overwhelming but since the medicine we were prescribing wasn't that dangerous we eventually got the hang of it... when we ran out of patients we were now asked to join the surgical part of the mission... mark and i were both hesitant at first because this was a very different field... one mistake and we could alter another person's anatomy forever... i thought it over and said to myself that if i don't gain any experience in this field how can i ever make it as a real surgeon... so i went up to fred who was stitching up his patient and was about to finish... he said i was next after him... so i waited until all the instruments were ready and there in front of me lay my first patient... i had a more experienced partner to guide me through this first patient... he showed me how to sterilize the area and how to inject the anesthetic... lidocaine... i have fear of poking other people with needles that is why i asked him to do it for me... but when it came to the real surgery he showed me how to cut the prepuce and up to where it should be cut... so i did... it was easier than what i initially thought... for the suturing we were to apply simple interrupted sutures... he showed me how to start the suture and then i took over... three sutures was enough to close up the wound and there wasn't much bleeding which was good... after applying the bandage the surgery was over and successful... it was a different feeling afterwards... it wasn't fear anymore but excitement... wanting to succeed in another surgery... it's like craving for more achievement... unfortunately there were no more patients... but i told mark that i wanted to try more to do more and so we decided that we would be there for the next med mission of FILCHIMSA... Gabaldon on may 18 to 20... really looking forward to helping out more and gaining more experience...

i know this is a different way of posting for my blog... usually it would be less narrative and more insight... but i guess after a hiatus of almost a year... i need some warming up hopefully i'll be able to get back my way of writing soon... by the way there is a photo of mark and i in our scrubs... i guess i can't wait for the day that we actually can wear it as surgeons...

anniversary

2006-08-29T13:43:00.000+08:00

happy anniversary my dear lainey! time flew by so fast that it has already been a year... i thank God for all that He has done for us... i love you very very much my angelainey!

eleventh

2006-07-29T13:41:00.000+08:00

happy eleventh monthsary! just one more month to go... i love you very much lainey!

tenth

2006-06-29T13:29:00.000+08:00

happy tenth monthsary! i love you my angelainey!

survival

2006-06-20T22:02:00.000+08:00

studying to become a doctor is no joke... something that has become a mantra all these years of aspiring to become one... but mantras are not enough... it takes a real experience to make the feeling more tangible... just barely two days of classes in ust medicine and i'm already staggering... i seldom get sick and when i usually do it really is a bad sign... my head has been aching everytime i get home and i feel so drained of energy... sleeping early does no good as the lectures slowly pound the living life out of me... my wallet has been taking a toll of a beating as well because of all the handouts as well as the books that i need... take note this is even after chok gave me all of his materials... by the way thank you so much chok... i'm still trying to find solid ground... definitely this is something that i didn't expect... this makes college look like kindergarten... after hearing the orientations given by four out of seven departments... i can't help imagine the nightmarish appearance of the examinations as well as the load that i'll have to take on for the whole year... i just have to thank God everyday that i survive for i'm quite sure this will be one bumpy ride...

revitalize

2006-05-31T16:18:00.000+08:00

june begins tomorrow... it signifies the beginning of the end... the end of summer and well the end of one of the first vacations i have had since i started studying in Ateneo... four years of being required to attend summer as well as various planning seminars and formation seminars for my extra-curricular activities... this was my first real break... and well... i was not able to really do much... except sit back and relax... no long trips abroad... or any other place in the philippines for that matter... it does somehow seem ironic that i wasn't able to go elsewhere but i guess it also gave me time to reset my brain...

i say reset in a good way because i suddenly don't feel the rush that i used to feel before... always having somewhere to go... something to do... and perhaps this is what it feels like to bum around... something i definitely won't be doing once medschool starts... just seeing the newly made uniform in my closet makes me uneasy... surely UST will be a very different place than Ateneo despite the many Ateneo Bio majors that will be going to school there too...

somehow i've managed to step back from life during this summer and well i'm about to step back in again... it will certainly be a challenge... i just have to buckle up and pray hard that i'd actually be able to perform like my usual self... hopefully even better than before... it will take some time to get used to it again... i think my coping skills are not that rusty yet so i might just survive...

with two weeks left on the clock... i have to make sure i'd make the most out of it for it might be my last chance of enjoying what i can in my life... it's also the proper time to restore some vigor in me in order to prepare myself for the incoming school year... good luck to me and to everyone else who will be doing something new in their lives... or better yet entering a new phase in their lives...

ninth

2006-05-29T17:41:00.000+08:00

happy ninth monthsary angelainey... welcome back too... i love you very much... it will only be a matter of time you'll be working soon and i'll be studying med... best of luck to the both of us then...

eighth

2006-04-29T13:30:00.000+08:00

happy eighth monthsary... hope your doing alright there in australia... miss you... i love you very much angelainey...

seventh

2006-03-29T11:20:00.000+08:00

happy seventh monthsary angelainey... happy graduation too... i love you very much...

sixth

2006-02-28T15:17:00.000+08:00

happy sixth monthsary angelainey... i love you very much...

fifth

2006-01-29T00:45:00.000+08:00

happy fifth monthsary lainey... you never fail to brighten up my life... i love you very much... happy chinese new year too...

2005-12-29T02:49:00.000+08:00

happy fourth monthsary lainey... life has certainly become more meaningful because of you... i love you very much... take care always...

third

2005-11-29T02:18:00.000+08:00

lainey... it's our third already and in that short span of time we have managed to learn a lot about each other... i'm sure that as the learning and improving doesn't stop... we will be able to manage any obstacle... love you very much...

life

2005-11-08T13:45:00.000+08:00

life has its own pace... its own rythm... and one has to go by it... it makes you do things its way... and when you let it do that to you it limits you in a way and at times makes you frustrated... and all we do is be patient about it... and wait for it to take its course... the question is... does it have to be this way... there must be something that can be done... and maybe there is because this life isn't really detached from you... it's not some unknown force... it's actually your life... therefore you should have the right to go along it either with breakneck speed or maybe even at a snail's pace... there is mutual respect for its own rythm and yours too... there is no limit to what you can do with your life except for one thing... because in the end what matters is to always remember to treasure that one life you have... without that life... you're dead... you're nothing...

second

2005-10-29T11:18:00.000+08:00

lainey... happy second monthsary... indeed time flies by so fast... i can still remember making the first one... each one i make... i consider a milestone in our lives... love you very much...

first

2005-09-29T00:17:00.000+08:00

time indeed flies by so fast... without realizing it... it has just passed you... many things that have happened... too many to actually write down... but one thing is for sure... all will be treasured... lainey... here's to the first... love you very much...

agape

2005-09-26T23:23:00.000+08:00

i really haven't gotten the time to compose my thoughts about the recent events in my life so for the past few posts i've been sharing only lyrics... for this post i'll do the same but i guess to give a little background this was from elaine who got it from jan... i find this quite significant right now especially that i've been attending a Pathways seminar headed by the community of Ang Ligaya ng Panginoon... i've learned so much from that experience that it has touched my life in a way that i can't seem to fully explain in words yet... but to summarize it all in one word i guess i have been introduced to... agape... which means divine love... this is of course in contrast to the other types... eros... romantic love... philia... friendly love... storge... instinctive love... the latter three are all human types of love... i take this introduction as a sign of my renewed faith which i will strive to make it grow... and just to go back to the song well it pretty much describes what i've gone through... the title is Bless the Broken Road by Rascal Flatts...

I set out on a narrow way many years ago

Hoping I would find true love along the broken road

But I got lost a time or two

Wiped my brow and kept pushing through

I couldn't see how every sign pointed straight to you

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

I think about the years I spent just passing through

I'd like to have the time I lost and give it back to you

But you just smile and take my hand

You've been there you understand

It's all part of a grander plan that is coming true

Every long lost dream lead me to where you are

Others who broke my heart they were like northern stars

Pointing me on my way into your loving arms

This much I know is true

That God blessed the broken road

That led me straight to you

believe

2005-08-29T23:40:00.000+08:00

sometimes thoughts and feelings are hard to express but in certain cases musical pieces may aid in expressing them... this is a song that i'd like to share for now...

If I Believed

By Patti Austin

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I must be there

I'd swear I must be there right now with you

If I believed in miracles

I'd know that one was happening to me

But if I don't believe in paradise

Then miracles aren't real

Then someone tell me what is this I feel

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I can't deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

If I believed in magic spells

It all would be so clear

'Cause magic spells must have brought you here

If I could see the future

I'd see if you and I were meant to be

But I dont know any magic

And tomorrow's just a dream

But something in this fantasy is real

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

I wanna believe it's love this time

I wanna believe my heart's not telling me a lie

But with you I cant deny

If I believed in paradise

I'd swear I'm there

I'm there

If I believed.

birthday

2005-08-27T01:48:00.000+08:00

I don't know if you remember the picture but to give you a clue... the wall behind you isn't there anymore... anyway happy birthday twinlet... take good care of yourself... and I always wish you the best... it's my blog's birthday too... it has been one good year of writing and pouring my heart out... I'm hoping for more years to share my thoughts and feelings in this blog...

reality

2005-08-21T21:27:00.000+08:00

often times i catch myself lost in my thoughts... always thinking hard and always thinking of possible scenarios and situations... i end up with with so many different assumptions... most of which will never come true but at least one scenario becomes the most logical and rational one... you'll start believing in it so much that everything that supports it is consumed and makes the thought stronger... it will also reject anything that opposes it... it becomes alive... it becomes close to reality for a person... but this is where the line is drawn... thoughts will always remain as thoughts until it actually happens... one cannot think of reality... one can only conceptualize... trying to capture it would be trying to successfully cup water using your hands without wasting a drop... something always escapes no matter how good a person is... this is something basic and can even be relearned without philo... the limitation it has set has to be considered... closing the mind is one danger that should be avoided... it can affect so many things... as well as outcomes... being too serious can be a setback... instead of looking at what is real... it remains only at the level of what is perceived as real... it can also be seen as a way to escape reality... to run away from it... but i guess the good thing about reality is that it has its on way of checking up on you... you never know but life can hold many surprises... far too many to even think of... just there for you to experience...

instinct

2005-08-10T23:48:00.000+08:00

it took me quite a while before i finally decided to write this post... instinct told me that i somehow should... funny thing is that i don't even know why... it does however make me wonder where instinct comes from... most often than not it is supposed to come from what is natural... or what is felt as appropriate for the moment... it also a reaction to something or at least trying to react to something... however is it what is usually chosen... people use the phrase follow your instinct thereby disarming the rational processes of the mind and completely subjecting it to that of the "gut"... what stirs from within and slowly moves outward as action... but of course this is not usually the case... as the mind is still able to control these sudden movements and prevents the person from making a mistake or doing what is right... going back to the argument that instinct is what is natural... shouldn't it be rational to say that following it would bring order... but of course this presupposes that there is order in nature or what we call natural... however it can be said that the mind is what organizes things... makes things rational... makes it orderly... therefore instinct which shuts it off brings chaos... the problem lies now in what we perceive or think as orderly... it could be possible that both instinct and mind could create order... it is a matter of how we define or probably not define order... definitions themselves are subject to this argument... are they here to help or probably here to cause more disorder... so now do you let instinct or mind decide the answer...

almost forgot... belated happy birthday to jerome...aug 8...can't believe i've known you since kinder... and to hannah... aug 9... the newest twinlet added haha...

matches

2005-07-17T22:05:00.000+08:00

"Each of us is born with a box of matches inside us but we can't strike them all by ourselves. The oxygen would come from the breath of the person you love; the candle would be any kind of food, music, caress, word, or sound that engenders the explosion that lights one of the matches. For the moment we are dazzled by an intense emotion. A pleasant warmth grows within us, fading slowly as time goes by, until a new explosion comes along to revive it. Each person has to discover what will set off those explosions in order to live, since the combustion that occurs when one of them is ignited is what nourishes the soul. That fire, in short, is its food. If one doesn't find out in time what will set off these explosions, the box of matches dampens, and not a single match will ever be lighted. If that happens, the soul flees the body and goes to wander among the deepest shades, trying in vain to find food to nourish itself, unaware that only the body it left behind, cold and defenseless, is capable of providing that food. That's why it's so important to keep your distance from people who have frigid breath. Just their presence can put out the most intense fire, with results we're familiar with. If we stay a good distance away from those people, it's easier to protect ourselves from being extinguished. There are many ways to dry out a box of damp matches, but you can be sure there is a cure." - excerpt from Like Water for Chocolate by Laura Esquivel

this post is somewhat related to the previous... the connection may be a bit hazy but it speaks of a certain human reality that was described effectively by the excerpt above... in cases of despair or hopelessness... one tends to nurse it through wallowing in their sadness as well as accepting their fate... true enough as the text mentions... we cannot strike the matches by ourselves and we need the help of others for that... but by others meaning those who really intend to help... not those who are insensitive as well as tactless... and instead of lifting up our spirits crushes them or weighs down on them... there are people like this and they draw their power by making others feel bad about themselves... other scenarios involve being around people who are able to also pull your spirits down... obviously they aren't helpful... it may not be intentional but what usually happens is that when we are with these people... they drag us down thus further dampening the match we have... in any case whether it be self-inflicted despair or other-inflicted... the important part is the seeking... looking for that cure... as well as finding those that are indeed able to light up the match in you... if for the meantime... one cannot find or access that... i guess there is no shame in trying to keep warm by yourself as long as the context is that this is not done forever or too long because instead of helping oneself... one may end up destroying what one was protecting all along... even if the strong wind can blow out the flame... the flame still needs the oxygen that the wind carries... shielding it from the wind may actually suffocate the flame and put it out...

2005-07-10T23:21:00.000+08:00

Ateneans... there is still hope.

blur

2005-06-27T09:07:00.000+08:00

simple things can lead to big disappointments... as time passes by and we go on with our everyday lives there are stuff that we have intentionally or unintentionally overlooked... they may be as simple as toys or personal belongings or maybe as serious and complicated as acquaintances or old friends... it's the same feeling you get while riding in a speeding car... everything outside the window is a blur while the only thing you can recognize or the only thing that is clear is what lies ahead of you... apparently this optical illusion can happen even if you weren't on a car... and it really is saddening to experience such... as i was graciously given time to think about what has been happening to me the past few days... i have realized that i was experiencing this illusion...

one indicator was this blog... i never realized that the last entry was a month ago... another reminder was my night out with HS friends... i missed that feeling of hanging out with them talking about stuff that have been going on in our lives... i also found out that when it came my turn to update them... i had nothing much to say except my work at school and blah blah blah... the same things over and over again... i can say that i'm doing something worthwhile and that i know what i'm doing but when i was talking about it... there seemed to be no clear details in the matter... the sad part is i cant even seem to update them about other aspects of my life... either they are dead or inactive or because i haven't paid much attention to them...

i have to learn the value of slowing things down... at least to the point that i can survey my surroundings and see what i may have missed... i don't intend to drop anything that i'm currently working on... it's just that i feel i owe some attention to those that i might have overlooked... given more time like this i might be able to give them some justice... that for once in my busy schedule... i have recognized them as parts of my life that needs noticing...

2005-05-22T14:12:00.000+08:00

me in BDA with field pack (5 kilos!) :D

2005-05-22T14:11:00.000+08:00

*scroll right to view whole pic* (L-R) C/MAJ DELOSO, C/COL PEREZ, C/MAJ CALAQUIAN, C/1Lt PINEDA: 1Cl on Hill 370 :D

2005-05-22T14:09:00.000+08:00

holding guns with live ammunition :D

2005-05-22T14:06:00.000+08:00

wonderful view on Hill 370 (Taklang Damulag)

commendation

2005-05-22T12:38:00.000+08:00

it's been quite a while since i last posted an entry... been quite busy lately having meetings left and right as well as lately things have been just a blur and rarely do i get the chance to reflect on new insights... fortunately i was given a sort of day off from being busy... i just came back from a trip to Nueva Ecija at Fort Magsaysay... the commanding general there is my uncle and he was hospitable enough to accommodate me and my fellow officers...

the day started at 3am when i had to wake up and go to the ADAST to report... i got there at about 4am almost and picked up the rest of the officers... luckily i had a driver with me so i was able to sleep on the way to Fort Magsaysay... it was a long three hour and a half drive and we got to the fort at about 730am where my uncle was already waiting for us... he promised us a tree planting activity and several other activities that he deemed would be unforgettable... what he didn't mention was that we had to trek for 45 minutes up a hill with an elevation of 370 meters above sea level... it is more commonly known as Taklang Damulag... anyway the trek would have been easy if it weren't for the field packs we had to carry on our backs which weighed 5 kilos... it contained rice husks which were to be used in the tree planting... after leaving the commanding general's quarters at about 830am... we were able to reach the peak at about 945am... when we got there the view was spectacular... i will post some of the pictures in this blog later... we rested a bit and started to plant trees after which we took a lot of pictures even carrying guns that carried live ammunition... after which we started on our descent which was much faster yet a little dangerous because we cut through the hill using the steep slopes as shortcuts... we got down at about 11+am where my uncle was waiting for us already to give us a tour of the rest of the fort...

well this is where i got my wonderful insight that i was able to reflect on... my uncle showed me what they were doing with the rest of the land in the fort... they were replanting the denuded forest and they had a program in which each and every soldier had to plant twenty tress as an initiation and well for every soldier that had to retire had to plant twenty trees too... this was to make sure that every soldier was able to contribute something to the beautification of the fort... they also had a drip irrigation system involved as well as their dams were able to supply water to their crops using gravity instead of pumps... it was astonishing to see what the military could do with the manpower that they had... their achievements seemed much commendable than that of DAR and DENR... considering those two are departments of the government and are run by civilians... at least the contribution of the military was not only measured in warfare... but now even in agriculture... while the civilians at the departments bummed around and probably even took advantage of the money that tax payers gave them... during the tour i couldn't help but think that the military was an underdog when it came to media bias... apparently all the media could show was their bad nature... which eventually trickles down to all the other military institutions... why haven't they bothered to show the good side... part of me was enraged that all i heard about the military was about corruption and political matters that were very discouraging... i believe my uncle is onto something here in the sense that he has showed how the military can indeed contribute to society... apparently there are people who are willing to change this point-of-view and for that i am very happy...

after the tour we went back to my uncle's quarters where we served a very sumptuous lunch where all of our viands were beef since my uncle had a cow killed... after eating he said that we had to run through the obstacle course so that it will be our passport to be able to have a marksmanship lecture in the firing range... the officers agreed but after the meal we were too full to be able to run the course so we were able to bargain to go to the firing range first before the obstacle course... it was quite a while since i last fired an M-16 but it seems that some things don't easily fade with time... i was still able to shoot with precision (had to fire three initial shots then the gun's crosshair was adjusted to calibrate it to hitting the center) and accuracy (14 shots all went to the two inner circles which represented the main target for the exercise)... the training officers recognized that we were quite good despite not having any real military training... they said it was all about the basics and after you master them you can even teach others to fire...

so that we would fulfill our promise to take on the obstacle course so that we could gain access to the firing range... we went to the Division Training Unit (DTU) where they trained the candidate soldiers (future soldiers of our country)... this is where the rappelling tower was... it stood 44 feet off the ground which according to my uncle was probably a way to fight the phobia of heights... all of the officers got a turn to rappel down the tower while our corps commander was able to go on the slide for life it was a zip line that run from the top of the tower down to the ground... you had to hold on to a handle bar and slide down to a rope which is supposed to stop you from overshooting the end line... your wrists will be tied to the handle bar just in case you accidentally let go... it looked fun... unfortunately since we weren't able to sign waiver forms we were not allowed to try it... so i promised to myself when i came back i would try it...

finally we went through the obstacle course... it was a menacing course... we tried going through most of them but some of them were really hard so we just bypassed them... at some of the challenges my muscles cramped up from the lack of stretching... but the adrenaline was still there so despite the pain i still tried the other activities on the course...

unfortunately all good things have to end... after a day of fun yet tiring activities we ended it with dinner at my uncle's quarters... again beef was served... that was a lot of protein for one day... good for muscle training... after dinner we were called one by one and given certificates of commendation by my uncle... Major General ROMEO P TOLENTINO... i'm not too sure if he would read this entry but i would like to thank him for that wonderful day... it was really nice to get the blood flowing again... as well as feel the muscles ache every now and then... it really gives you the feeling of being alive... once again thanks tito boy...

now i guess that is enough to make up for the past weeks of not being able to write anything... hopefully i get to write more often as summer is about to end...

lecture

2005-04-28T17:20:00.000+08:00

one of the interesting activities i've been doing this week is giving leadership lectures to the 2nd class COCCs in ROTC and well i've decided to post one of the things that i shared to them today...

Lesson 15 of Colin Powell's Leadership Primer Powerpoint Presentation:
Part I: "Use the formula P=40 to 70, in which P stands
for the probability of success and the numbers indicate
the percentage of information acquired.”
Part II: "Once the information is in the 40 to 70 range,
go with your gut."

in any case i hope the statistics don't scare you but all it basically says is not to act until you are at least 40 percent sure that you are right and don't wait until you are 100 percent sure because by that time it is usually too late... in any case the second part of this post is what i consider to have a bigger significance...

Risk

To laugh, is to risk appealing to the fool

To weep, is to risk appearing sentimental

To reach out for another, is to risk involvement

To express feeling, is to risk exposing our true self

To place your ideas, your dreams before the crowd,

is to risk loss

To live is to risk dying

To hope is to risk despair

To try at all, is to risk failure

But to risk we must,

Because the greatest hazard in life is to risk nothing

The man, the woman who risks nothing, has nothing

is NOTHING.

that concludes this post... for an added bonus try reading the poem out loud and it somehow gives you an extra feeling when you are about to read the last part as if you're proud to say that once in your life you've taken a risk and that you are not empty and that you are indeed someone...

thoughts

2005-04-19T19:08:00.000+08:00

a thought has been lingering in my mind this whole day... it seems to have been prodded by recent conversations with friends... as i scribble down words in this entry i am able to convey my feelings as well as ideas to all of the readers... in an attempt to share with them what i possess... i have also allowed them to own these thoughts... once processed in their heads it can no longer be considered all mine... it has eventually been absorbed as part of their knowledge... as such things happen i cannot help but think that whatever notions i have expressed in this blog is open to a myriad of interpretations... even allowing some of the stuff here to be distorted by existing biases as well as to be consumed and read like any other entry... i only have control with what i place here but once placed... i have no control of it anymore... it can take on a life of its own in the minds of others... this however leaves me curious as to how other people interpret my entries... as i have no sure way to check... all i have are speculations which were made prior to writing the entry... i find it a challenge to try and lock the thoughts of my blog so as to prevent it from being misinterpreted... however since i do not have the capacity to sieve through all possible interpretations i go with the safest route in order to protect the integrity of my blog... a painstaking task but i firmly believe it to be a helpful one... in any case... i hope that further scrutiny of the thoughts i choose to place here in my blog will allow me to shape the way the reader thinks of my entries... allowing a more effecient as well as meaningful sharing...

a quote that i would like to share: "assumptions are a transparent grid through which we view the universe... sometimes deluding ourselves that the grid is that universe..."

optimism

2005-04-14T00:35:00.000+08:00

"the tapestry of the universe is vast and complex... with infinite patterns... while threads of tragedy may form the primary weave, humanity with its undaunted optimism still manages to embroider small designs of happiness and love..."

the quote above was taken from a book that i've been reading lately... anyway i gave it some thought and i tried to figure out how i can relate... well personally i believe that in life tragedies always have the greater impact on us... in philo we even learn that trauma is what makes us think... that if something unusual happens that is when our brain starts working to assess why and how a certain event happened... it seems that there is no wonder why bad things are usually magnified out of proportion... it is through them that we are supposed to improve ourselves on... if everything were to be normal... we would all grow to be complacent... nothing will fascinate us anymore as well as astonish us... we will not wonder about anything... we will cease to think... however this also presents a problem... if we wonder about everything there would not be enough time to put anything into action anymore... therefore we have made systems in our heads that allow us to process thoughts that can automatically address "normal" issues... a ball falls and it automatically is processed as a result of gravity... therefore it is rare to ask why on certain events... i think i've strayed too far there is time for another entry regarding the process of thinking...

anyway... if tragedies are indeed necessary to teach us... then what makes us different from roadkill... what makes the human spirit different... this is where optimism comes in... despite the overwhelming problems that we may encounter... as long as we recognize that tiny beam of light called hope we are able to continue with our lives... many can plunge into darkness and keep their eyes shut thinking that by opening their eyes they will the same thing... nothing... but to those who search around enough they may see that glimmer that will eventually lead them out of the darkness... i just hope that people try hard enough to look before despair gets the better of them...

solitude

2005-04-07T15:34:00.000+08:00

i never imagined myself to be so busy lately... it's as if it wasn't a vacation at all... today is technically the first half day that gave me some time to sort some things out... as i came home from the COA formsem i immediately had a backlog of emails to read as well as blog entries... then i stumbled upon one email that prompted a thought in my mind... the difference of loneliness and solitude...

in both cases the person is just by himself or alone... the big difference is most probably the mindset that one has... loneliness is an unwanted experience... loneliness makes a person feel bad... fear of loneliness may lead to tragedy... one may even feel lonely while in a relationship especially a bad and unhappy one... loneliness is seen as negative... on the other hand... solitude is appreciated... solitude can give clarity of mind... solitude may be used for reflection... solitude can avoid disaster... solitude is viewed as something positive...

on a more personal note... i think that loneliness can be converted into solitude... that the feeling may be turned from something negative into something positive... something destructive into something helpful... most of us who experience loneliness tends to sulk and hide in a dark corner... but then when we are in the dark how can we ever see the light of reality... that maybe on the lighter side of things being alone may be the time to reflect... especially your priorities... to think of what is really right for you in life... it is possible for people to rush into relationships as well as to pursue the wrong person for fear of not having someone... some are also afraid to get out of a relationship for fear that no one else will come along... an irony of having someone yet still feeling lonely... i guess the challenge is to really stop and think... think of the situation and assess it... find more positive opportunities as well as outcomes... to have that positive attitude to transform loneliness into solitude...

side note: i'm thankful for all the things that i've been doing for the past two weeks... it has surely given me an ample amount of distraction to place things in perspective... hopefully this may lead to the better horizon that i've mentioned in my previous entries...

priorities

2005-03-26T13:28:00.000+08:00

wow... it's been quite some time since i last posted... but it seems that since i have time in my hands right now i'll take advantage and try to write a decent post... well so far so many events have gone by without me mentioning a word about them... first off is the COA elections... finally the results are out... i guess i have a lot of stuff to do for that and as well as my fellow officers... good luck to all of us... next there was the LS grad... congratulations to all the graduates... last was Celadon Night... congratulations to all the winners of the awards and as well as to the next set of officers... as for the minor happennings like the choir and dance troupe performances... well i believe that both groups are in good hands...

right now it seems that i might be getting a loadful of stuff to do in the future... and i would really have to rely on my gut feeling as to which one i will prioritize... i have been doing this for the past three years in Ateneo and hopefully it won't fail me in my fourth year... i've usually stuck to the decisions that i've made and sometimes it really tries to shake me whether i made the right choice or not... but i guess this is the time when i have to have faith in myself... oftentimes people might lose faith in you... they might not see the way you see... they might not think the way you think... they might not feel the way you feel... but in the end it all boils down to how much you stand up for yourself...

i had a recent conversation with jules... i told him that i strive to better myself not because i want to prove myself worthy to other people... but i strive to be better because of the people who believe in me... and well with that being said i would like to thank all those who do... especially those who not only say it but those who show that they believe in me... but of course all of this will be for naught if the one important person who should believe in you doesn't do so... and that person is you...

poem

2005-03-13T00:40:00.000+08:00

A mighty pain to love it is,

And ’t is a pain that pain to miss;

But of all pains, the greatest pain

It is to love, but love in vain.

a friend shared this poem with me... it is by Abraham Cowley(1618-1667)... i just love the way the rhyme goes... it's like a tongue twister... the more you repeat it... the harder it gets... sometimes you feel like you're getting used to it and then...all of a sudden... you make a mistake... isn't that how love is...

formlessness

2005-03-06T16:17:00.000+08:00

assume formlessness... this was a thought shared by our new corps commander... it seems that it is a powerful advice... it is true that life is governed by concepts... and those that are in the grey areas are usually neglected because they are full of the unknown... it is easier to see things in black and white... to place things in perspective... to have meaning for everything... to immediately know bad from good... within ourselves... we also seek the place that we are most comfortable with... a secure location that we are so sure of ourselves... we form that barrier around us that limits us to what we think we can handle... we place boundaries to our imagination by realizing what can become real... in the end we fail to realize that we limit oursleves in the process... we cannot adapt easily to the changes that will happen... the wheel of fortune always turns and so do we... but because we want to feel comfortable... we are not able to move along with it... we end up being disappointed... getting slapped by reality is harsh for anyone... but the ability to take that slap and use it as a proponent to move on is the challenge that i believe anyone should take... to harness the power to move on... the power to keep struggling against life challenges... assume formlessness to allow ourselves to be more adaptive to what is happening... maybe this is the key to happiness... a happiness that perhaps we are probably seeking in the wrong place... i guess it's time to move and look around a little more... consider other options and to see better horizons...

2005-02-27T18:58:00.000+08:00

"Celadon Dance Troupe: One Awesome Group!"

enough

2005-02-23T00:11:00.000+08:00

learning to say that... this is enough...enough is enough... being content with one self and what one has... enough said...

crazy

2005-02-20T23:49:00.000+08:00

today...was quite boring...slept through the morning till the early afternoon even...and well tonight had to be different and spontaneous or i might lose my mind... so a thought crossed my mind during the late afternoon... while i was giving a tour of my new house to my relatives... i suddenly remembered something when i was pointing out our water tank at the back of the house... in the old house... i used to climb our water tank so that i can climb up to the roof of the house and well just stay there... do nothing... sometimes think of stuff... and well even waited for a solar eclipse to happen... but anyway that was in the old house... this time around the water tank was higher than our roof... so i suddenly thought of something... why not try to relive the old times... find somewhere high and isolated to try to sift through thoughts...

so i waited till it was late enough then i looked for my gloves... then i changed my slippers for sandals so that they won't fall off... i unlocked the door to the balcony and looked around... i had to hide for a while because i saw the guard patrolling... it suddenly felt like i was infiltrating our house... i hopped off from the balcony to the roof and slowly and steadily headed for the water tank... the roof creaked a little from my weight so i had to move fast... as i reached the water tank... i immediately grabbed hold of the metal ladder and slowly climbed up... the thing creaked too but it didn't shake so i had nothing to be afraid of... as i got to the middle... i looked around again to make sure no one saw what i was doing... then after a few more bars i made it to the top... when i got there i didn't immediately stand... i just sat and looked around... trying to assess what i really did... then i thought that it would be useless if i didn't make the most of my time up there... so i finally stood up and took a good look of everything around me... the view was excellent... it was so calm and serene... it was a clear sky... even if it wasn't a full moon the moon shone brightly as well as the stars... it was quite cool up there too... after a while... i had to sit down... since i was trying to relive old times... i decided to try and meditate... think of stuff that have been going on in my life... every now and then i had to look down to see if the guard was there so my concentration kept on shifting... but i was able to reflect on some stuff which i think was not really any different from the reflections i have already made... but it was nice doing it somewhere above the world... it somehow had a different effect... well after a while... i decided to go back down... i climbed down but this time around i was able to do it much faster... probably because i got used to it when i went up... i got back on the roof and back up the balcony... i locked the door and well... mission accomplished... no one in the house found out and i guess that made it more exciting for me...

now that i've written about it... some thoughts crossed my mind... the feeling i felt while doing this was a mixture of worry and excitement... fear and bravery... craziness and logical reasoning... with all these mized up i guess... i couldn't even pinpoint why exactly i did what i did... one reason that comes to mind is to fight off boredom... but i don't feel that was the only reason... somehow it just feels great to do something out of context... to do something spontaneous... but that doesn't stop there... it was also nice to do something secretly as well as stealthily... to do something that nobody will find out unless you tell them... it was also nice to relive an experience... to do something nostalgic... i guess i can think of a thousand reasons... but in the end... i feel happy for myself... i did it... and i survived to tell you about it... i guess that is what counts too in the end... despite the perils and danger... i'm alive... and that is an important feeling...

lesson

2005-02-19T18:21:00.000+08:00

i found a particular song in phantom of the opera to be quite interesting as well as very insightful... the lyrics are...

Learn to Be Lonely

By: Minnie Driver

Child of the wilderness

Born into emptiness

Learn to be lonely

Learn to find your way in darkness

Who will be there for you

Comfort and care for you

Learn to be lonely

Learn to be your one companion

Ever dreamed out in the world

There were arms to hold you?

You’ve always known

Your heart was on its own

So laugh in your loneliness

Child of the wilderness

Learn to be lonely

Learn how to love life that is lived alone

Learn to be lonely

Life can be lived

Life can be loved

Alone.

as to how true this is... i can't tell... but it seems to be a nice lesson to learn... just in case...

song

2005-02-14T23:00:00.000+08:00

this day has finally ended... i only had one class which was from 730 to 830 but since i arrived late i had to cut it and instead i went straight to the rose sale booth... as early as 830 it was already open and was already acccepting orders... i was already warned beforehand that it was going to be a busy day not only for the booth but also for the harana team which i was part of... since i didn't know how the booth operated i just concentrated my time on the harana team... that was tiring... we had to run from place to place which could have been on opposite sides of the campus... we also had to meet deadlines because the person we needed to serenade would only be there at a certain time... sometimes we also had to sing in front of the class especially if the timeslot given was during a class... we had to sing to all kinds of people... even teachers... we also got to sing inside the cafeteria which drew a lot of attention... on account that the song had a gay theme to it... we also entertained a few special requests so we had to learn some new songs immediately... well that is a basic narration of how i spent valentine's day... yes... i almost forgot to mention that...

come to think of it... last year's valentine's day... i spent my time in air force base somewhere... accompanying cadets on their field trip... it was a saturday and well even though i was with some familiar faces... it was still weird that was the way i spent valentine's... fortunately that night the LHC decided to have their own gimik which made the day a bit better... this year though the day was spent in school... and even though we serenaded people here and there... somehow valentine's day had a different feeling for me... the day went by differently... singing to these people... some i knew... some i didn't... it sort of affected me... it just somehow made me a little happy that in some way i was able to divert my energy and time to making their day a little extra special... i was never confident in my singing but somehow as the day went on and my confidence level slowly went up... but that didn't guarantee louder singing because at the end of the day we were all so tired that we could barely sing a whisper... well at least i couldn't...

anyway for some reason i don't consider how i spent valentine's day for the past two years a waste... well for this year... seeing the reactions on the faces of those we serenaded somehow exuded their own gratitude... at least being thanked was fulfilling enough for me...

i think i'd miss this feeling of tiring myself out for others... but somehow... i would also like to reserve some for myself... i know it sounds a bit selfish but i guess each and every person deserves some energy and time to himself too...

dance

2005-02-06T02:15:00.000+08:00

i got to watch "shall we dance" hours ago and the movie is still fresh in my mind... it was good and it turned out better than i expected it to be... it was actually to a certain extent... inspiring... i myself have been dancing a lot lately on account of the upcoming alumni homecoming... i can't even remember how i got hooked to dancing... i remember my mom trying to teach me to dance ballroom but somehow i was just weirded out then... but all of a sudden... i found it interesting... first opportunity came when it was van's debut... she had almost everyone in the block participate and we were all taught how to dance... it was really fun then considering that there was really someone there who knew how to choreograph... next opportunity came when joana decided to perform ballroom for celadon ball 2004... and once again it was fun... and now enzo, jacky, iris, and i are choreographing the dance for celadon ball 2005... i can't believe how fast time flies... and how much dancing i've done in just two years of my life... but ballroom is just one part of it... there was also hiphop during the christmas party and as well as my addiction to dancemaniax... all of these have kept me moving recently and it really has spiced things up in my life... i never imagined myself to be a dancer... fine... wushu as most people have said is like a dance... but still the dancing i've been doing is much different than that... it's different especially for ballroom... it isn't a solo like wushu is... and there is much more involved in it than simple movements of your own body... because there is someone else's that you have to take into account... as the cliche goes... it takes two to tango... therefore in life we need the other... not just any other... but that someone who you will care for and will care for you also... someone who will dance to the same beat... someone who is willing to dance with you...

parts

2005-02-04T23:54:00.000+08:00

i just watched cyrano...and well it was wonderful... i was actually hyped up abt it because i've read the book and i've watched the Hollywood version entitled Roxanne and i loved the story on both occasions... this time i watched it translated in tagalog which is actually not that bad... but along with this comes some reflections that i have from the play...

in our lives we are meant to play certain parts... these are assigned to us somehow by an unknown force... we play the part of a student... the part of a friend... the part of a sibling... all these parts we have to play... each one unique and have their own qualities... but there are times that these parts are suddenly forced upon us... we simply don't want to play them... sometimes we even hate them... and here comes the dilemma... there are some people i admire that chose to change the parts that they are playing... they risk and take the chance of changing what role they should play... some of them were successful... while others failed and were forced to face reality... but there are also those certain few who make the most out of the parts they have... like cyrano... being in that position... in that situation... ensuring that the one he loves is happy even if it meant giving that person away... must have been really painful for him... but as he accepted his fate... he moved as he should... he tamed his heart... he redirected his feelings... through beautiful words of poetry he was able to show yet at the same time hide what his true feelings were... he made the most out of the situation he was in... some people associate what he did with cowardice... but for me i see it as courage that stares fear in the eye... as the problem weighs down his heart he makes himself grow stronger by acknowledging what he must do... it's a constant war in which heart and mind battle it out for control... and as time passes by... even if in the end heart will win... the war was well fought... and for that alone... i admire the character of cyrano de bergerac...

2005-02-02T23:01:00.001+08:00

"the fundamental option of a happy Celadon..."

2005-02-02T23:01:00.000+08:00

"shooting for a successful Celadon..."

2005-02-02T23:00:00.000+08:00

"taking care of Celadon's past, present, and future..."

2005-02-02T22:58:00.000+08:00

"where everyone's interests are accounted for..."

elections

2005-02-02T22:50:00.000+08:00

elections are just around the corner and well everybody is doing their best to campaign... but since there is no guarantee of winning... i would like to dedicate this post to those who have helped me along the way... the following pictures show the campaign materials that were made for me... the idea is all thanks to Tristan Rosario (galing mo talaga!)... but of course this would not have been possible if it weren't for the wonderful people who endorsed me in the pictures: Dr. Ibarra, Chair of the Dept. of Accounting and Finance... Mr. Ambeth Ocampo of the History Dept...Chris Tiu of the Ateneo Blue Eagles (special mention to John Go...thanks!)... Dr. Locker of the Theology Dept... anyway aside from this there are other stuff worth mentioning... first of all congratulations to Jules Ang for winning the Best Student Leader Award of COA and congratulations to Celadon for winning the Most Outstanding Organization Award of COA... congratulations also to the other projects of Celadon that were nominated in various awards: Gratia, Aling Lahi, and Chinoy... congratulations also to Lady Celadons for winning the IAC Women's B division... wow things are really going great for Celadon... hopefully it will be greater as Celadon Week: Oriental Splendor is just around the corner too... last but not the least... i would like to greet Raechelle, my "daughter," a happy happy birthday! :D

empty

2005-01-08T02:22:00.000+08:00

this aptly describes how my blog has been for the past few months... i haven't updated and well the only excuse i have is that so much has happened since i last updated that somehow i do not know which are important for me to write about... with a confused mind can anyone think straight... well... i could write about my new house and how my new room looks good and how my new bed feels great to sleep on but i felt it too shallow of a feeling to express in contrast to the sentiments i have written in this blog in the past... i could write about the recent tragedy but that would just be plain sad and well... that was the underlying theme of my holiday season... so basically i have finally decided to make this post as worthless as possible so that it will give myself time to think of what i've really done while i haven't updated my blog and as well as reflect/concentrate on what i should be doing the next few weeks... perhaps thinking too seriously can somehow hamper any real success and by doing so will never give you any progress...

i leave you with one quote i found... enjoy...

"thoughts are the shadows of our feelings - always darker, emptier and simpler"

remorse

2004-11-28T10:46:00.000+08:00

i haven't posted for the longest time here but since something came up i just had to write my thoughts down... last night i had a few drinks with friends and we toasted to celadon and the sorrows of life... yes there are many different kind of sorrows in life and one must be so happy as to not have them all at the same time... but still these sorrows... one will always encounter... the good thing about last night was i was with friends... there were people at my side... we were able to tell each other our opinions and reactions and even give advice to each other... but my post today isn't really about last night... it is about an acquaintance of mine who also has encountered one of these sorrows... the big difference is that he was at his house all alone with no one and most likely he had no one to confide to... he is now dead... i don't know why but i wasn't too surprised when i heard about it... imagine the feeling of having problems and no one else is there with you... it shows the importance of your friend's presence... your family for that matter... it shows how a simple gesture might have been able to save a life... a simple chat... a simple pat on the shoulder... or maybe even a hug... i personally feel a bit of regret that this person took his own life... it was such a waste... the problem he had could have been worked out... it was actually in the process of being fixed... but instead of patience he drew on the power of despair... no one knows why he did that... i just wish that by doing what he did he found the peace in his life that he was searching for... as for those who read this... may you all find the importance in life... to choose to live...

ripped off

2004-10-27T10:31:00.000+08:00

when it rains it pours... it's really weird but somehow when things don't go to well... they just get worse... when you pray for something good to happen... something bad has to happen first... or i hear good news and it is immediately followed by bad news... somehow it always reminds me about the balance between good and evil in this case good luck and bad luck... just today my digicam got stolen... yah, i know it was my carelessness because i left my bag unattended but still why did it have to happen just when my trip was about to end... the good news is that all of my pictures were saved in my laptop so that means our trip wasn't all in vain... thank God my mom told me to bring my laptop so that i can save the pictures there... ( actually the laptop has kept me preoccupied during morning and nights that i have nothing to do here so double thanks hehe ) this was really something i didn't expect... i was having so much fun with that digicam and i liked all the features and it was just so easy-to-use... and now it's gone... i didn't exactly mope about it but i just feel bad that it's gone... some part of me was even thankful that it wasn't my whole bag that got stolen and only that digicam... i'm pretty sure we will get a new one but this experience is something that i will never forget and i guess that is all i have to hang on to, the memory of losing it...

it's really sad if you lose something... and well somehow it is during these times that we realize how important these things are to us... a camera may be replaced and so the effect isn't that great except for the wallet... but some stuff that is hard or can't even be replaced can leave a mark so great it is actually permanent... i really hope that most of us can realize what is important even before we lose it that way we can avoid permanent damage and perhaps even take good care of what we have... i know i will...

expectations

2004-10-25T13:44:00.000+08:00

so near yet so far... i just received my grades through text from enzo (thanks for proxying me) and well they were high but not high enough to get to the dean's list... i just feel frustrated that i could get my grades this high and i never worked harder for it... i really feel a little extra push from myself could have probably placed me in the dean's list already... maybe i set my expectations too high... i really don't know... this sem has really been a mix of good and bad for me and all i really wanted was something to be really happy about... maybe that is why i wished on my grades to be high so that at least it could cheer me up... but well fate had to put me down like that... i had to put myself down like that... i don't know why but i guess when you expect something to turn out well... most of the time it doesn't and all you end up doing is disappoint yourself in the end... when in fact when you expected something you were really disappointing yourself from the beginning...

why do we set expectations... what good does it really do... if you reach your expectations fine you become happy but if you don't then you feel sad... more often than not you don't reach it and well you become sad... so why set it at all... do you get sad if you don't set it... why make somthing that you can probably do without... expect nothing then all you have to do is accept it when it comes to you...

well i guess it was really designed that way that we dream up stuff and we try to attain it... failure may be part of it just to help us realize that getting what we want is really hard... when you strive for something good it will make you realize that it is really worth striving for... it doesn't come free of charge and it will just show you that along the way you really have to push yourself harder... such a harsh reality but i guess its there to always remind us of what we are working hard for... in the end it will help us make attaining it more fruitful and rewarding... i just hope that i will be able to experience that feeling...

exam

2004-10-16T01:02:00.000+08:00

finally, the finals are over! one semester down and well three more to go before medicine proper... so far this sem has been a great sem so far... my grades are quite high except for one make or break subject... organic chemistry... i really can't get myself to study that subject... no matter how hard i try... anyway the past is past and that is finally over... i'm so glad that there won't be any chem next semester hehe...

well these exams have really drained me... but it however has allowed my mind to think of something that happened just this july... my friend had a debut and she invited her teachers to say a few words for her... there was this one teacher who had prepared a speech and it was one that wasn't easy to forget... one of the few words that comes first into the mind upon mentioning the word teacher is "exam"... well this word was the topic of the teacher's speech... he said "life is just a big exam... but it isn't true or false type or... multiple choice or... fill in the blanks... it is an essay type exam..." (paraphrased by me) anyway the point he made was very clear... life wasn't about making mistakes and paying for it... life was way more than that... if ever there was a choice that was made in life... be it good or bad... there always is time to stand by it or make up for it... as long as you are still alive... the essay only ends when you're dead and that is when people can say whether you've written a great life or a wasteful one... the power in the teacher's words did not only come from his experience as a teacher but also as a student in life's lessons... and similarly all of us are able to understand the simplicity of this concept of life... that in this exam... pass or fail can only be determined at the end...

as i reminisce hearing these words of wisdom from the teacher... i think about my own life and how i've written it so far... i think about the choices that i've made and didn't make... i think about the things i've done and haven't done... and well there isn't much to say yet... but surely there is still time to make something out of it... to make a seemingly meaningless existence meaningful... how is a good question... but why is more important...

choice

2004-09-28T23:35:00.000+08:00

"The heart decides, and what it decides is all that really matters. All of us had this experience. At some point, we have each said through our tears, 'I'm suffering for a love that's not worth it.' We suffer because we feel we are giving more than we receive. We suffer because our love is going unrecognized. We suffer because we are unable to impose our own rules. But ultimately there is no good reason for our suffering, for in every love lies the seed of our growth... -- because those who love conquer the world and have no fear of loss. True love is an act of total surrender." - excerpt from a book by Paulo Coelho

this is something i found from a friend's blog and i just can't help but make a blog just because of this quote... somehow it is able to express clearly and beautifully how i personally view my situation... a lot of people (thank you to all of you) have already heard of my problem and have offered me very good pieces of advice... unfortunately, i stubbornly decline to follow any of them... and this i do because i feel that in any scenario it is always the choice of the person involved that should prevail over the rest... again, i thank all those who have shown that they care but somehow i have to say sorry that i am unable to comply to what some have already suggested... it is simply too hard... or simply impossible in my current situation...

actually i found it funny that for days i’ve been trying to think of ways on how i can expound on the quote and it just dawned on me that the quote needs no more expounding… it states a reality plain and simple… words that are easily understood… there is just one thing i’d like to point out… how separate our hearts are from ourselves… when we say that it is our heart’s decision… how much involvement does the rest of our body have with that decision… fine it is easy to blame the heart for any irrational decision made but somehow i believe that the heart will never be able to retaliate and show us that what it has decided we’ve probably set in motion a long time ago… feelings that it has felt were just a part of our bodies extending ourselves… we would have never felt anything if we stayed inside our shells and avoided any social contact… by making that first attempt to reach out to others we’ve already opened our hearts to the possibility to feel… we’ve given it the power to decide for us… we are responsible for it… hence the blame doesn’t lie entirely on our hearts but it goes back to the heart’s owners…us…thus it isn’t the heart that totally surrenders…we ourselves commit that act of total surrender…

crushed

2004-09-21T23:51:00.000+08:00

i want to remember this date and time... nobody needs to ask why... but i can try to describe it to you... the feeling... of being blind... of being stupid... of being crushed... it's a sinking feeling as if you're about to drown... your chest feels tighter and tighter... hard to breathe... pain sets in... you writhe... you struggle... you lose... don't bother getting up... it will just pull you down more... it's hell... if one can even imagine it... i experienced it once before... i never thought i'd experience it again so soon and so much more painful... i can't seem to understand why... but i guess we are not meant to understand we are just meant to accept it... the hardest thing to accept is that the blame lies on yourself... I... a single letter that is to be blamed... i am angry at myself... i got myself into this... and i can't get myself out of it... it's no one else's fault... how can it be... you did this to yourself... laugh... laugh at yourself... and pity yourself... that's it... that's the only way to go...

i've caused myself pain... somehow i believe i'm not the only one who does that... now i regret it... wait, there's something wrong there... i don't regret it... why should i... pain is a part of life...i've mentioned this before... somehow that was foreboding but back to the topic... self-inflicted pain... the glory of it lies in who inflicts it... none other but yourself... ironic... some might think it is... for me... it's normal... it's even special...

oh in case someone decides to tell me that's how life is... that is the worst way of trying to cheer me up... i've heard that before... i've said that to myself many times... therefore this is what i say to myself now... wallow in your sadness... swim in your misery... don't hide from it... don't push it away... embrace it... love it... oh now i've said it... a word so powerful it can kill... i still believe in that word... damn it though... because now i can't get out... i guess i have to live with it... why i'd do that... why continue to be stupid... no reason... i guess it's better to live knowing your stupid rather than live just to find out you are... and since i've said the word... love... well... what can i say... it's paradoxical... i'm miserable yet happy... happy that there is someone better... someone more worthy... i won't even try to compare myself... i'd throw myself away and not even reconsider that action... when someone throws garbage away that person doesn't think twice about it... i can't believe it... i sound bitter... but i'd rather consider myself as bittersweet... a mixture... i'm still sane... but i think i'd rather not be... i'm bits and pieces... some may try pick me up and put me back together... surely pointless... i'm crushed...

no reason

2004-09-19T21:45:00.000+08:00

im enjoying the last few hours of my weekend...it actually started only three hours ago...it makes you wonder why it didn't start yesterday and the reason for that is ACET duty... i had to wake up at 5am yesterday to report to school for ACET duty... and well let's just say it can really take away a whole saturday and in my case a sunday too... all we did there was just guard entry and exit points, assist applicants, eat free food, and do whatever they ask us to do... it seems boring and well to most people, pointless, and here is where my insight comes in...is it really?

people have asked me what reasons i have for continuing service to what they think is a very useless organization...i've always shrugged and told them well for the sake of continuing for the sake of service...in reality...no reason at all...i just do what i do... no deep reflection or anything... it seems that people have closed their minds on the issue...what is worthless will always remain that way... sometimes it just sticks to their head whatever they've heard here and there...

funny thing is that i've never mentioned anything good or any perks you get when you continue ROTC... this is what people also usually ask... why spend more than 24 hours of your weekend for ROTC of for this matter, the school... and well the question seems senseless to me because i think that sometimes no reasons are needed... and this doesn't apply only to ROTC but it extends to any other organization/cause/commitment i have passion for... it seems that having no reason just keeps you going... because if there is a reason that you do something and that reason disappears well i guess too bad for that something right? what am i getting at here well...to be honest... nowhere... somehow even writing stuff on this blog can be considered pointless to the extent that you can just laugh at yourself for simply reading the words i've typed and wasting your precious time which could have been spent on better tasks which i'm quite sure you have enough reason to prioritize...

and finally the twist sets in...is there really no reason? or maybe i've failed to recognize it... if i did i'm sure glad that i did! at least... i'm not bound by it...

lastly, i challenge you to think about this... am i really just talking about work?

negative thinking

2004-09-14T01:46:00.000+08:00

argh...just had my organic chemistry long test a while ago...i can't help but think that i did bad in it...and what do people say...that's life...

lately, as i have been going through this roller coaster ride in my head, i can't help but think negative thoughts in such a way that it has already corrupted my mind to become very pessimistic...

i really miss the optimist in me...seeing a brighter way through every problem...seeking a better alternative...dreaming...ah now that is one thing i haven't been able to do for quite some time...

what has happened to me...why do i feel so different now...somehow all the things i've experienced lately have affected me so much that i didn't even notice myself change...i guess most of us don't...

we either face the things that come to us and just learn to accept them or sometimes we deny them and run away from them...i think i did too much accepting...and now here i am feeling so depressed with my own thoughts...the real irony in this is that i'm doing this to myself and there is nothing i can do about it because it was something set in motion by my previous actions...talk about getting caught in your own web of thoughts...

i end this post with a reminder to myself that there is still some optimism inside of me that clamors to be set free again...to set my thinking back to how it was...my pessimism however discourages me to think of how i may be able to do so...

inevitable

2004-09-01T21:53:00.000+08:00

this blog is quite postdated... this was supposed to be about my philo orals... waaah fate is so cruel... even though i tried my best to prepare for orals last week it was just not meant to be as the strong rain kept me away from school and forced me to move my orals to this week...my hell week... i tried to squeeze in my orals sched on monday so that i could prepare AGAIN during the weekend yet fate was there again to bump my schedule to tuesday in which i had a Genetics long test that was moved from last thursday because of the strong rain... talk about delaying the inevitable...monday night i was struggling hard to study for Genetics and at the same time thinking about how dreadful philo orals might be...talk about having a divided mind... i was unable to focus at the task at hand...of course studies were not the only thing going through my head...there are still other factors which i simply cannot set aside...

anyway after the Genetics long test on tuesday which i think went so-so...i decided to focus on my philo orals...i read the thesis statements a few times and internalized what i was going to say about them...i gathered information from other people so that i could hear their insights (thank you to all those who tried to help me :D)... but there was this one thesis statement that i couldn't figure out it was about repetition (roughly translated from Filipino)...this was the only thesis statement that i couldn't grasp no matter how i tried...i just hit a wall in my head thinking that all my thoughts about that thesis statement made no sense at all...

eventually as the hours slowly passed by it was time for my philo orals...i still hadn't figure out what that thesis statement meant so i just left it to fate that i would get a different number on the dice...as i casted the dice i just smiled to myself when i saw that the number on the dice was the number of the thesis statement that i dreaded...that was it...my fear for the inevitable...as i tried to constitute my thoughts i could hear myself babble nonsense and the teacher's face was not getting any happier...i just had to accept the fact that for this orals i wouldn't be able to get a high grade...i surrendered myself to fate and well...fate got me...

indolentia

2004-08-29T14:53:00.000+08:00

the play was great yesterday! even if it was my second time to watch it! ;) the movie that we watched before was also great hehe :D the night was great too because there was a lot of Celadon people in Oody's... the food...ice monster afterwards...whee it was surreal! :D to top it all off i got some alcohol in my system in the early morning which really cleared my head! :D when i was back home at 230am i immmediately changed to my sleeping clothes and dropped into bed! :D then came the realization that something was still amiss... i had just experienced momentary indolentia : freedom from pain...

even if everything about yesterday was great and it easily thwarted off some of my sad thoughts eventually the experience was short-lived... reality always comes back to haunt you... a night out with friends may be fun but your friends do not hang aroung you 24 hours and once you are alone again everything just comes back...

and when everything comes back hmmm... how do i say it... ahhh all hell breaks loose in your head... it's like a geyser that was plugged and the pressure just pops the plug out of place...after a while the thoughts run around your head...and eventually will settle down so that everything is just as it was...chaotic...

somehow i'm not deeply saddened that my mind is thrown back into chaos again because it makes me realize the importance of having some company around you... having people around really helps "distract" you from your normal thoughts and gives you a well-deserved break! and because of this i dedicate this blog to those i was with last night and this early morning "thank you very much!" :D

side note: even if the thinking causes pain...it really is hard to stop... i don't love pain... but it's essential... so is thinking...

sentimental value

2004-08-28T02:04:00.000+08:00

i recently had an insight on something that i had to write about immediately...

i am a very sentimental person and what i mean by this is that i love attaching meanings to simple stuff sometimes even pieces of paper that according to my mom looks like junk... my mom on the other hand just loves to throw away useless stuff or at least those that look useless... this is a serious source of conflict since there are some stuff that i do not want thrown away but she insists...

why am i saying this...well, even if i could hate my mom for doing what she wants sometimes i really have to prove myself right that keeping some "useless" stuff is also good and now i have proof... after scanning through some of my junk i stumbled upon a handwritten letter from my mom which dates back 8 years ago (10-24-96)! there was even a time as to when exactly the letter had been written (3:25pm) if my math is right then i was only ten at the time... this seemingly "useless" paper was a letter for me saying that while my mom was at the seminar she was thinking of me...right pretty sappy... but my point here is that certain stuff such as these should not be just thrown away... aside from the simple yet very sincere message that it carries, the value attached to it is priceless!

somehow, this insight has let me to believe that i am still sane and that my mom's constant nagging of throwing stuff away has to stop...who knows another "useless" piece of paper may actually turn up at the right time and show how meaningful a relationship a mother and son should have...

skotodinio

2004-08-27T12:01:00.000+08:00

wow! my first blog! i never thought i'd give it a try but here i am hehehe (thanks to a friend who invited me, i finally tried it out!) :D

anyway, to start this off i'd like to introduce my blog title "without wax" a lot would probably ask what it means but as a teaser, i will not tell anyone what it means! :D hehe

as for the title of this post...let's just say i was studying too much philo...i was supposed to have my midterms last wednesday but due to the bad weather (woohoo!!! or awww...) i wasn't able to go to school for the oral midterms...

the term skotodinio is Greek i think and it means spiralling into darkness (roughly translated from Filipino)

this is how i see myself right now as i try to answer questions on my own and as i venture around my head for answers i might never find in there...yes that's right, i'm a thinker and somehow this nature of mine has been both a curse and a blessing...

a blessing for me because it gives me great pleasure to think of a lot scenarios but a curse because i just can't stop thinking...plunging deeper into the darkness...an endless cycle of thinking...it does get tiresome but eventually after a moment of rest the spiralling continues...

thanks to daph i was able to find this and somehow it does appropriately describe what i am like

i guess that is just about all i can say for the meantime, and since this is a feeble attempt to write a blog the next entry might take a while hehehe

important note: today happens to be the birthday of my twinlet, Elaine! Happy Happy Birthday! :D